It seems like forever, when I thought about having a baby, the first thing that I thought about was the cute little girls in their ribbons and bows playing Barbie Dolls and "House" with their beloved dolls. Never once did it cross my mind that I would have a boy. Boys were messy, loud, and played rough (and in my experience as a middle school teacher, rude, mean, and obnoxious). In truth, everything that I had been looking forward to in having a baby centered around having a little baby girl. I wanted to dress her in the frilly, cutsie clothes, fix her hair, help her pick out a dress for prom and one day maybe even a wedding gown. I wanted to chit chat with her as an adult about pedicures, manicures and massages and all the daily goings on of her life. I wanted a DAUGHTER.
All of that changed the moment I saw "the turtle" on the ultrasound and watched as the ultrasound technican happily scribbled BOY onto the paper. Didn't see know she was turning my perfect fantasy world upside down with just those three little letters.
BOY-the word sounded foreign, almost ugly. I wanted the little girl who would sit quitely and read her book, not the little boy kicking and stomping around, playing way to rough with the toys surrounding him. I did not want noise covered with dirt. I wanted sugar and spice and everything nice.
At once, I was disgusted, depressed, angry and extremely unhappy. I am not a crier but I kept my husband up all night crying my heart out. My heart ached. It was completely, utterly, broken. I knew in my heart that I shouldn't feel the way that I did, but I did. This was not at all what I pictured and most definitely not what I wanted. I couldn't understand why God would put this child into my life knowing I had no clue about a boy or what to do with a boy. Again, I knew deep down in my heart that I shouldn't feel this way as people everywhere struggle with infertility problems (my own parents included), or miscarriages but I just couldn't seem to tame what was going on in my mind which was all at once a bottle of raging hormones on a crazy spiral.
Bad, bad thoughts entered my mind. (Ones that I can't believe even entered my mind as I know that I really didn't feel that way, it was just the shock taking over). Like if I just hadn't taken those pills to help keep the pregnancy intact for those first 12 weeks, or if I hadn't let my husband talk me into having a baby in the first place, or if I hadn't put so much faith in that Chinese chart, then I wouldn't be staring at an ultrasound of a boy. I almost loathed the word. It was the complete opposite of what I had envisioned in my mind and my dreams.
I wasn't the only one to be effected by this "news". Everyone around us thought it would be a girl, and the thought of a boy was almost non-existant. Even my husband's 7 year old daughter announced to us that she was going to have a baby sister. Talk about fear when we were going to tell her that no it would not be a baby sister but a baby brother instead.
Again, I was hurt and angry. How in the #$%^ was I going to raise a little boy? I didn't know anything about little boys! Besides they had ugly clothes and boring decor and were for lack of a better definition- noise with dirt on it. I let all my preconceived notions guide my thinking and reasoning, never once stopping to do what I do best-weigh the pros and cons. I just trudged ahead like a zombie, going through the daily grind as numb and as thoughtless as possible. I didn't see how I was ever going to be happy again. I didn't see how I could be happy with a boy. But most of all, I didn't see how it was possible that I felt the way I did. I felt ashamed of myself.
Later on, once the initial numbness wore off, I began to examine my own feelings. I started to understand them better once I shut the world out for a while. I closed off everyone but my husband and my mom and dad and my one really best friend. Those were the people I leaned on. Those were the people I entrusted to my "little secret."
The truth is the idea of having a girl put me at ease. I "knew" how to be a mom to a little girl because I used to be one. But a boy, I didn't have a clue what to do or expect. Again, the idea seemed foreign. In essance, I was scared. I was trapsing on foreign territory, without so much as a guide or road map for guidance. I know a little about all the different sports, but even less about monster trucks and motorcycles, and have absolutely no interest in those war and killing games that my husband ( a big boy kid) loves to play. Instead of being filled with joy and happiness, the idea of having a boy left me feeling sheer terror, despair, and the sense of utter helplessness.
Of course, how do you explain to someone that you are less than thrilled that you are having a boy. It was almost like a secret, one that filled me with not only guilt but pain as I knew that I should be happy that the baby was healthy and well. But, unfortunately, that was not the case. I was afraid to tell anyone exactly how I felt. I was afraid of their reactions. I was afraid that they would say how horrible I was that I wasn't happy just to have a healthy baby.
I thought about my own mother who tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and had to adopt. I knew that there were and probably still are people out there who would look down their noses at me in disgust. Well, all I can say is look down people, look down. I don't need someone telling me how happy I should be to be able to get pregnant. I don't need someone telling me how happy I should be to be able to carry a pregnancy to term. I don't need someone telling me how happy I should be that I didn't have a miscarriage within those first few weeks. I don't need someone telling me how happy I should be that my baby doesn't have some debilitating disease or deformity. I don't need someone telling me that I should just be happy with whatever I get. I know. I've heard it all before.
Trust me, this does not help, in fact it only makes it worse by adding to the guilt. Let me put it this way, if you are trying to get pregnant and the doctor tells you that you can't, are you happy? No. Why because your dream of having a child has died. Do you get over it? Do you pursue other courses of action? Yes. This is the same thing. It is a dream that has died. And all the overwhelming feelings made me feel so alone. So, I did what I do best.
I began reading and researching. I slowly began to realize that I was not as alone as I felt. It felt good to know that I wasn't evil, or crazy, or mean. It was validating for me to hear that what I was experiencing was real. In fact, it was like I was dealing with a loss. I was grieving. I was greiving over the "death" of my daughter. We all had imagined this little girl, this curly blonde headed girl with big blue eyes in her cute little dresses. Then, her beautiful imagine was replaced with that of a boy, one that I couldn't get a good picture of. Her image "died." It was gone, and I needed to grieve. I needed to cry. I needed to let go and "bury" my thoughts of her. Although she was just a dream, she was so real to me, my husband and my family. Dreams can become so real. And like any other dream that doesn't come true, it is okay to be disappointed. But, I realized that I couldn't wallow in my self-pity or absorption for too long. I had to move on; I had to heal.
Lesson learned: Trust in people: TALK! The people that I chose to confide in made me talk about it. Now honestly, at first, my husband had a hard time with this. He didn't get it, at all. At one point he even called me selfish and told me that he didn't understand me and that I needed to settle down when I burst out sobbing in the middle of the night. Although my husband really didn't understand what I was feeling at first, he tried so hard to be supportive, whether it was sweet little emails or notes, or calls just to check on me or waking up every hour at night to make sure that I was okay and hadn't done something stupid like jump off a roof (not that I would do that anyway).
Other people have been instrumental in helping me as well. What surprised me the most was how my daddy understood and could almost fill in the blank of what I was feeling. He was able to hit the nail on the head. He even expressed to me his own sense of "loss" for he had wanted a girl as well. He told me that it was okay to be sad and the feelings would go away with time. He knew that I needed to heal, but he also knew that I needed to grieve. (Side note-when they were working on adopting me, they applied for a boy. When the agency said that they had matched them with a girl my dad had said if it is a choice between a girl today and a boy tomorrow, we will take the girl today. I figured he would want a grandson since his first tendencies toward a child had been a boy, but he surprised me. Maybe he believes the old addage-Daddy's or grand=daddy's girl. If so then I hope the opposite is true in Mama's boy).
But I digress, it felt good to have someone, anyone understand what I was feeling and what I was going through. But what is more, it felt good to have someone to talk to that didn't look at me like a monster. Someone who didn't think that I was bad or was going to be a bad mom because of how I was feeling at that moment. I knew that I needed to talk and get my thoughts and feelings out so that I didn't eventually bottle all the feelings up and let them come out when the baby was born (which is one thing that I did read about women doing and I DID NOT want to be one of them). I didn't want to be angry with my newborn, or disappointed in him, or even not interested him at all because I couldn't put bows in his hair (well, I could but my husband would kill me, and no I wouldn't really put bows in my baby boys hair). Nor did I want to have postpartum depression because I was unhappy with my innocent little baby boy.
There were things that I needed to say like I won't be able to buy those cute little headbands or bows, or play with Barbies or find cute clothes (because lets face it-boys clothes eh....are not the cutest or most fashionable things in the world).
Then, one must also deal with the preconcieved notions of a baby's gender, whether it comes from personal experience (and as a middle school teacher, I have horror stories to tell about boys and a whole list of boy names that I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole for fear that he would end up like that particular boy), or things in the media from kidnappers, to killers, to corrupt politicians. Boys seem to get a bad wrap. In truth, the thought of a rambunctious little boy scared the wits out of me.
These past few days have taught me a lot, a lot about the people that I surround myself with and things about my mom and dad and husband and friends. I could not have made it through these past days without them.
Through all of this I have learned, right or wrong, feelings are just that: feelings. They are mine, and I am entitled to them as others are about this blog. I have also learned that it is not the baby that I am dissapointed in, it is the fact that I have to let go of my own dreams of a little girl. This doesn't stop me from having a hard time right now when I see cute little girl clothes or a mom holding her newborn daughter, or even hearing a little girl's voice, but it does make it a little more managable.
I know, deep down, that I will be okay. I know that this situation will be okay. I know that I will heal. I also know that when the baby is born, I will think to myself "how in the world could I ever had wanted a little girl instead of a boy." But for now, I am dealing. It is a process, one that only I can work through myself. It is a healing process, and I need to give myself the time to heal.
The greatest thing that I have learned through all of this is the need to "pass it on". Women just don't talk about this kind of thing because they are afraid of how people will perceive them. They are afraid that they are going to be called bad mommies just because they didn't scream for joy at the news of their baby's gender. That is not true. You are not bad. You are human. Human beings have hopes and dreams and it is hard to let those go.
I am in the process of letting mine go. It isn't easy but everyday it gets a little bit better. In the end, I know we will all be alright and when the time comes I will adore this little guy growing inside me. He will hold the keys to my heart.
Side note-My mother taught me some very valuable lessons growing up. One of the most memorable is that "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Please let my mother's lesson to me influence those of you who wish to say something nasty about me being selfish or that I should be happy with a healthy baby and not care what the sex is a chance to pause and not say anything negative. And if that lesson doesn't work here is another: "Opinions are like #$%^&*, everyone has one. I don't need your stinking one."
Those of you who have experienced this or are experiencing this, I hope that it helps you to know that you are not alone. We are not bad mothers. and when we see that bundle of joy on the day of his or her birth we won't care whether it is a boy or girl, all we will care about is that precious face.
I compiled a list of resources-although this is not in anyway comprehensive (just look up or google disappointment in baby's gender and you will see). These are just some of the places that I looked too to help me through.
Resources:
http://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/boy-or-girl/overcoming-gender-disappointment_71010-page-4
http://www.blog.allaboutwomenmd.com/pregnancy-prenatal-care/dealing-with-gender-disappointment.htm
Postpartum Support International: Treatment of a wide range of postpartum disorders including postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and postpartum psychosis. Includes a list of national resources and links. Call 1-800-944-4PPD (4773) or visit http://www.postpartum.net/.
The Postpartum Stress Center: PSC provides counseling, resources, literature, and Web links to a variety of resources for PPD. Call 610-525-7527 or visit http://www.postpartumstress.com/.
The US Department of Health and Human Services: Articles on clinical studies, links, and resources on a variety of mental health issues. Also lists resources in Spanish. Call 1-800-789-2647, TTY: 1-866-889-2648, or visit http://www.mentalhealth.org/.
National Women's Health Information Center (NWIC): NWIC lists information and resources (in English and Spanish) for a variety of women's health issues including depression and pregnancy. Call 1-800-994-WOMAN, TTY: 1-888-220-5446, or visit http://www.4woman.gov/.
The National Mental Health Association (NMHA): "The country's oldest and largest nonprofit organization addressing all aspects of mental health and mental illness," NMHA has hundreds of affiliates and offers information, links and help on a wide variety of topics. Call 1-800-969-NMHA (6642), TTY: 1-800-433-5959, or visit www.nmha.org.
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