Barefoot in the Kitchen: Teaching my Son

TEACHING MY SON

This week, I have had to face a great fear-the thought of leaving my son. My husband and I are getting ready to take a trip-and I had to make a plan for what I wanted for him, even if I was not around to provide it for him anymore. That was one of the toughest moments of my life. I had to imagine my son growing up and me not being there to watch it. I had to imagine my son being raised by someone else. It was completely heart-breaking. It almost made me not want to go because I was afraid of not coming back, but then again, I could go to the store and not come back. I could go into school and a madman come in with a gun and not come back. Life is too full of what ifs, and I can't not do something because I am afraid of leaving my son. I wrote this for my son, Korbin Bru, and recorded it for him (along with a personal message) in a worst case scenario thing. This made me feel a little bit better, to leave a piece of myself with him.

Pardon the drool-teething

As a teacher, I want to make sure that I teach my son as well. However, what I want you to learn is a far cry from academics, although those are very important too. I want to teach you how to be a person, a great person. I want to teach you to be the man that I searched for in my quest for happiness. I want you to be a man that takes care of your household, who works hard, and loves his family.
I want to always encouarge you. I want you to know that there will always be one person in this world that will ALWAYS be your cheerleader. No matter what, I will always be rooting for you. I will never put down your ideas, but instead help you cultivate them as much as possible. You will never hear me say, "There are no blue ducks," but instead, "I like that you took a risk in coloring the duck blue. I had never seen a blue duck and now I have."
In the same regard, I want to teach you that I will always be there for you. I will always be your rock. I will always have your back. I will be behind you step-by-step. I will walk behind you as you wobble on your new shaky legs (which you are trying out as we speak). I will run behind you after those training wheels have been removed from your bike. I will stand in the door and maybe even run to the edge of the yard and watch you leave on your first date. I will help you pack your car and I will cry as I walk you to your car and watch you leave for college. I will be there in the stands cheering you on during a basketball game, or football game, or piano recital. I will be your nurse at 3 a.m. when you are sick. I will be an ear when you need one, and a disciplinarian when you need that. I promise you that I will be your everything. I will wear many hats because of you.
I want to make sure that I allow you time to be a kid. Growing up, I got outside and played. Whether it was making mud pies, or playing in my play house, or riding my bike, I enjoyed the spoils of an outdoor childhood. I got to be a kid. I had a whole drawer of what my mother called play clothes. I want my son to have those clothes that it is okay to ruin and know that mommy is not going to get mad. I know that boys are just “noise with dirt on it.” I expect your clothing to be the same.
I want to give you something to believe in. I want to give my son someone to believe in. I need to know that you have a place to turn when you needs it. I don’t ever want you to feel like you are completely alone. I know that I am not always going to be able to be around, and for my piece of mind, I need to know that you knows you will never ever, ever be alone.
I want you to know that it is okay to be sweet, kind, and gentle.There are going to be times where you cannot be tough and rough. Sometimes that might be physical and sometimes that might be emotional. I want my son to know that there are times like when you are with babies, animals, older people, or even with people’s feelings that you might need to be a little more thoughtful in your words and actions. Helping people will make you feel good about you. I want to show you that life is not all about you. Other people matter too.
I want you to know that perfection is not something that will come naturally, but will require time and dedication.The old adage of practice makes perfect is a perfect correlation. This applies to everything in life. You need to practice. I think you need to practice emergency situations, practice the piano, practice using your manners, practice speeches for school, practice practice practice.
I want to teach my son to stand against bullies and stand up for the bullied. I also want to teach you that if you are ever bullied or seeing someone who is bullied that you should fight back (never, ever throw the first punch but never back down once a punch as been thrown). And if you ever, ever, turns out to be the bully, you will find out about your mother (who was bullied to tears everyday for being an adopted) will give you more heartache than a bully ever could. You DOES NOT want to go toe-to-toe with me.

I want you learn to read but also be read to. I love to read. I want to instill that in my son. I read to you while you were in the womb, and you have a story (or 3) every night as part of your bedtime routine (You get cranky if you doesn't hear "The Little Old Lady that Swallowed the Fly).
I want to teach you to write. I want you to write all the time. I want you to write your hopes, your dreams, your memories, your day to day life. I just want you to write. I love the idea that writing words down is a way to be present forever because writers are really transcribers of history and memories. ( I guess that this blog is my contribution to that concept). I will encourage you to write down things as well, even if it is just a record of his day or how you lived, what you thought, what was going on, what was important to you.
I want to teach you to have manners. I want you to say “yes ma’m and no ma’m or sir”. I want you to say "please and thank you". I want you to hold open a door for people, especially a lady. I want you to be able to employ those manners even when not prompted.
I want to teach you about feelings. Specifically, I want to teach you about being able to put how you feels into words. I want you to know and understand emotions, what they are and how to properly respond to those emotions in the future. I feel that I can do that by showing and pointing out others' emotions and talking him through my own emotions and also the actions and reactions of myself and of others.
Really, I want to teach you about how to communicate with others. I want you to be able to tell me about your day or about your feelings. I know you can't read minds, but neither can a woman. I will try to be direct in how I speak to you, as long as you understand that sometimes I will speak in "woman speak." I will be ambigious about my requests. I will say that your room's dirty and that will be your code to go clean it. It will be up to you to un-code a woman's language because quite frankly it is very different from the way you will speak.
I want to make sure that you have the proper role models in which to learn from in his life. Your father and myself are a great place to start, but I want to you to be able to see examples of good men and women who are successful because of their education or knowledge, their determination, integrity and not because they are beautiful, or sexy, or strong, or have tons of money like in today's media.
I want to teach you to be careful and cautious, but not overly so. You need to be able to self-protect. When it comes to people and situations, I want you to trust your instincts. Mommy always felt like she had a little me sitting on her shoulder telling her when things were wrong. Hopefully, you have that little Korbin Bru sitting on your shoulder too. Just know, when something feels wrong, it probably is. Always have a plan of action. Always know your game-plan, your exit strategy. Always be prepared for anything to happen by having a plan A, B, and C. I want you to know what to do if the ISH hits the fan. I want you to learn how to be prepared for the worst. It has been my experience that if you prepare for the worst, then what happens is never as bad as you expect.
I want to teach you to have courage. I want you to stand by your convictions, even if it is not the popular thing. I want you to do what needs to be done, even though you might be scared, tired, or hurt.
I want you to know and learn that Mommy is going to kiss you. You will always be mommy’s little man, and I will always kiss you. Period. I kissed you as a newborn. I will kiss you on the first day of school and I will kiss you before your first date…in front of your date. Korbin Bru, I loved you first!
I want to teach you that when all else fails, look to daddy. Daddy will show you and teach you, if you watch him. He will teach you the way to be a man. He will teach you how to treat a woman (he better do it right)! He will teach you how to pee because your mother doesn't have that kind of equipment.
I want to teach you to search for the answers to your questions. The world is an amazing place, but is also a confusing place. You will have many questions. You will ask why time and time again. Never be content with answers like because I said so. I want you to search for the answers to the questions that you have. Seek them out. Look them up. Don't sit back and wait for an answer to fall in your lap because they never do. It will be up to you to figure out the information you seek.
I want to teach you to persevere. Be like building blocks. You can stack them as high as the ceiling and them stand strong. However, a swift wind or another person or even you could cause those blocks to crash down. It is up to you to start building the blocks back up again, because no one else is going to.
I want to teach you to use your imagination and just be creative. I want you to build forts, build spaceships, build race car tracks. Use cardboard boxes to create your favorite playspaces. Make the everyday normal items into something creative…something magical…something uniquely you.
I want to teach you about needs and wants. I hope to be the type of parent that can provide all your needs and most of your wants.
I want to teach you how to take care of yourself. I want to make sure that my future daughter-in-law never comes to me and says, "Your son doesn't know how to do anything. He expects the little wife to do it all!" So, my son will know how to load the dishwasher, iron his clothes, do his own laundry, cook his own food and more than throwing something in the microwave or baking a frozen pizza. I want you to just be able to take care of yourself and not rely on your future spouse to do all the work. This one is so important to me because of previous situations that I was faced with prior to Jeffrey.
I want to teach you to lose, not just to lose but how to lose-graciously. I want you to know that it is okay to lose, but that losing does bite. Everyone is not always going to be a winner. In life, in competition, there is always going to be winners and losers. I hope that you learn to be gracious when you lose and not be a bad sport. On the flip side, I also want you to be able to win without bragging about it. I want to be honest with you and let you know that it is okay to feel sad or disappointed when losing at something. It is just sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. The key is even though you may lose once or twice, or even a thousand times, is that you do not give up: EVER! In life, there is no scoreboard. There is nobody marking down a tic for each time you lose/fail or win/succeed. The feeling from winning or losing is fleeting. If that is all you have, then win or lose, you have nothing to begin with. Focus on something other than winning or losing.
I want to teach you that sometimes life is unfair. You will see situations and scenarios that seem unfair. Some people get things that they don’t deserve. Some people are given money. Some people are born handsome or beautiful. Some people get cancer. Some people die, way too young. Life is not always easy or equal. We have to deal with it. I want to raise you to be the person who gets what you want enough that you know it is okay to ask for something but not so much that you always expect to get what you wants. You are not entitled in this world. You must work for everything you get. You must know that you are special, and that you are loved, but you will never be the center of the universe. I am sorry, it might be hard to hear but it is the truth and I must be honest and truthful with you my son.
I want to teach you that when you mess up, I will let you know, but I will be there to help you make sense and right your wrongs. I will be there to pick you up and dust you off when life gets you down, just like my mother did for me many times. When you need a shoulder to cry on, my shoulder is where you will find comfort.
Speaking of crying, I want to teach you that yes you are a man, and a man can cry. I will be there when everyone else has abandoned you. I will be your constant. Just because you are a boy/man doesn't mean you can’t cry.
I want to teach you to love the little things in life. I want you to appreciate the small things like a sunset, or the smell of a piece of dark chocolate, or the feel of your freshly washed blanket. The little things can mean so much more than big things.
I want to teach you to be open-minded, and to be able to listen to others' thoughts and opinions and treat them with the utmost respect. I want you to be curious about others' opinions and thoughts about the world. Never take anything at face value-if you have questions-ASK! If you don't understand, ask for clarification. I want you to always be open to and prepared for a healthy debate about things that you believe in. However, I never, ever want you to put anyone else's thoughts or opinions down. You are entitled to yours and so are they.
I want to teach you to be brave and adventurous, and to try new things. Whether it is making a new friend or trying a new type of pasta. I want you to experience life without limits (well to a certain extent). I want you to be a risk-taker. I want you to gain a greater confidence in you, which in turn will help you take the appropriate risks throughout your life.
I want to teach you never to quit. Once you start something, you WILL finish it. Even if mommy and daddy have to stand over you. It is kind of like dinner, you must try it. You must finish it, but if you don't like it, you never have to do it again. Same goes for something like sports, you join a team, you will finish the season. If you don't like it, then you never have to do it again.
I want to teach you to seize the day, the moment, your life. It is all so fleeting. It may seem like it moves way to slow right now, but trust me, when you get to be mommy and daddy's age, it will fly-especially when you are watching your child grow and change right before your eyes.
I want to teach you that a woman (or girl’s) heart is a fragile thing. I want you to take care with it, whether it is mine or some other female.
I want to teach you to keep your relationships honest, straightforward, and honorable. This applies to relationships with the opposite sex, with friends, eventually with employers, and especially with us. I promise you, you will always go a lot farther, especially with us, if you keep our relationship purely simple. Lies just complicate things, and tend to catch up with you in the end.
I want to teach you to think things through. I want you to realize that every action has a reaction and consequences to face-good or bad. I want you to realize that something as simple as hunting for Bambi has consequences, maybe not necessarily for you, but for others as that means that could be some dear's mother or father, son, or daughter, brother or sister. I want you to be able to look at different perspectives and points of view and realize that what you do, the actions and choices you make are not just going to effect you.
I want to teach you that humans have flaws, even you, even your parents, but we love each other anyway. Sometimes, the flaws are what makes us interesting.
Finally, I want to teach you that even if you are the biggest screw-up (we hope that is not the case), and make mistake after mistake (or have success after success), your parents will always love you. We may not always love or agree with your actions or decisions but we will ALWAYS love you. Nothing in this world could ever change that.

I want to teach you to work as well as play. Working is how you will provide for your future family. Work, even at an early age, (yes this means you will have chores) helps to develop a strong work ethic and a sense of responsibility.

I want to teach you how to manage the money that you earn from your work. I want to teach you that money doesn't grow on trees. I want you to realize the value of a dollar and how much work you have to do for that dollar. I want to show you how to budget and save for those things that you want.

I want to teach you that laughter can be the best medicine in the world. You need to be able to laugh. Laughing keeps you young, even if that means laughing at yourself from time to time.

Speaking of words, I want you to learn to use your words carefully. Choose them wisely. They have a lot more power than people give it credit for. They can cut like knifes or heal broken hearts. They have the power to make someone's day or break someone's heart. Watch them. Once they leave your mouth, you can never take them back. You want to make sure that you never want to eat your words.

I want to teach you to be dependable. I want you to be a person that others know that you can be counted for. I want your word to mean something. I want the country idea that your word and a handshake means just as much as a legally binding contract.

I want to teach you that lies tend to snowball. The problem is you have to keep telling another lie and then another to cover up the first. Eventually even you may not remember the truth. It is easier, and a lot less complicated to just be honest and truthful from the get go. I don't care about what. I always want you to know you can tell me anything, even if you think I will be mad or upset at you. I promise you, I will be more upset if I find out you lied to me about something when you could have chosen to tell me the truth.

I want to teach you to be trustworthy. This quality is so hard to get back once it has been damaged. I want to know that I can count on you to stand beside me or anyone else you care about, even if it is difficult.