Months of Reflection

I've had ten months to sit and think, reflect, dream, create, and recreate. Today, I go in to the hospital to be induced at midnight. Tomorrow, hopefully, I will be holding our little one in my arms. I am a bundle of nerves, energy, hope, excitement, etc. I don't know exactly how to explain all the feelings I am feeling. But out of them all, I think I am feeling closure. I look at life like chapters in a book or novel. I have opened and closed so many in my short 30 years it is really unbelievable. This was a chapter of my life that I thought I would never start, let alone finish. I never thought when I married Jeff in 2011 that I would be sitting here on the eve of my son's birth less than 2 years later. Life changes so rapidly around us. I was always the girl who didn't want to have children. I had been unfortunate enough to watch 2 marriages fall apart, and I couldn't imagine my own with Jeff falling apart. I was afraid of children. I was afraid I was too selfish, too controlling, too predictable, too set in my own ways to bring a child into my life. I am finding out that while I do like to be controlling-not in a demanding sort of way and not in a way that effects my relationships with people but more in a way that I have a mapped out plan of my life- that I need to ease up on that aspect as things don't always go as planned. It seems to me, my life was always planned out for me. I always knew what I wanted, how I wanted it, when I wanted it, and how I was going to get it-especially when it came to my education and job. My life has always been like a dance...and I have always had to be on and have it together. This pregnancy has taught me a lot, not just about myself but about others. I do not always have to have it together. I do not always have to be on. I can let others do things for me. If I can't bend over to pick up something on the floor, it is okay to ask my husband to do. If I need to sit down and rest, it is okay that others are up working around me. None of that has any effect on my self worth...and it has been a humbling and sobering experience.

As my last few hours of a 2 size family, plus dog and step daughter, comes to an end, I am excited to "read" the next chapter. Heck, I am excited to "write" the next chapter. I look forward to tonight and tomorrow with anticipation and excitement. In a sense, I know that nothing after tonight will ever be the same again, and as much as change scares me, this one doesn't. I feel love. Love for my parents, love for my husband, love for my little pooch, love for my family, love for my son. It is like an all encompassing feeling that I am feeling. People told me that tonight/tomorrow my life would change and they could never explain the feeling and get an accurate account. I believe that, because even someone like me who works with words for a living is simply and utterly speechless at the thought that tomorrow I will have one of the most important jobs in the world: MOMMY!